HATERS GONNA HATE: IN DEFENCE OF “INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL”

When George Lucas announced at the tail end of 2006 that production would begin on a fourth Indiana Jones movie with Steven Spielberg back in the director’s chair and Harrison Ford back in the fedora, it was then seen as a good thing. Of course, I know it’s impossible to believe now, but try and cast your mind back. In spite of a gap of almost twenty years since the release of the final movie of the original trilogy (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade [1989]), the craving for a new Indy movie had never gone away. The question of continuing the Indy franchise was consistently broached in every interview that Spielberg, Lucas, and Ford had endured in the interim. And initially, all the signs looked promising. Despite being of pensionable age, early promotional shots of Ford in the iconic costume showed that he was more than capable of portraying every grown-up kid’s favourite bad-ass academic with conviction. The teaser trailers pushed all the right buttons, and stimulated ample fanboy goosebumps. But the palpable level of online excitement and expectation disappeared like a fart in the wind as soon as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) hit the cinemas. After a well-received premiere at Cannes and some promising initial reviews, the bile began to brew. And the more people that saw the movie, the more virulent the vitriol. After a nineteen-year wait, this new Indiana Jones movie was ultimately unable to live up to the level of expectation attached to it.

Crystal Skull is widely acknowledged to be, not just the weakest of the series, but anathema to the art of Film. It is Spielberg’s unloved, deformed child that’s kept chained up in the attic, out of sight. The movie took the heat off The Phantom Menace (1999) as the worst sequel ever, and was recently named the most disappointing movie of all time. A quick look of some of the initial reviews (“…leaves a faint aura of depression,” David Denby, New Yorker; “…as joyless as its predecessors were blissful” Robert Wilonsky, Village Voice) gives you a good idea of popular opinion, but these are nothing compared to the unilateral abhorrence Crystal Skull draws from the online community.

I would like to suggest that this unfettered rage is unfounded.

Let me start by saying that if you are one of those keyboard warriors who use the movie as a lazy punchline in some pointless “I’m right and you’re wrong” online argument, then move on and God bless. Nothing I am going to say will change your mind. However, if (like me) you grew up loving the original movies but were initially disappointed with Crystal Skull, I would urge you to jettison the years of poisonous baggage that has attached itself to the film like a parasite, and to give the movie a second chance.

Apart from a few shockingly poor creative choices which made it into the final cut (which we’ll get to later), in truth Crystal Skull is a far better movie than anyone could have possibly expected. Spielberg was at the stage of his career where he had rejected the universal appeal of the spectacle of the tentpole summer blockbuster in favour of a more personal type of filmmaking. Ford was 65 when principal photography began, and it had been nigh on 20 years since Lucas had produced work that was even remotely approaching respectable. Crystal Skull really shouldn’t exist, so it’s surprising that the end product works.

Let’s start with the positives. Ford’s portrayal of the older Indy is pitch perfect. There is a genuine sense of peril in the Area 51 opening and Marshall College chase sequence, something which has all but disappeared in the modern fantasy genre. These two sequences are as good as many in Raiders, and arguably better than any of it’s sequels. Marion (Karen Allen) is the only woman who was a match for Indy in terms of chutzpah and resourcefulness, and probably as likely to punch him as kiss him. The verbal sparring of Allen’s initial scenes recaptures the spark and chemistry between the couple beautifully, while also managing to avoid any “Indiana Jones – I always knew you’d come walking back through my door… again” in-joke winkery. Unfortunately, she is then relegated to a sort of soccer mom; picking up the kids and dropping them off to the next big set piece, but we’re given the resolution to her story which we’ve craved since Raiders. Alfred Hitchcock once said, “the better the villain, the better the film,” and while Crystal Skull’s Russians aren’t quite up to the guilt-free cannon fodder of Raiders’ Nazis, they’re a far better fit than Temple of Doom’s Thuggee cult.

I will freely admit that Crystal Skull is not perfect, but the inherent problem is that it is constantly compared to a movie that is. In my opinion, Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) is the finest example of Cinema in its purest form. I can’t think of a better representation of the power of Film as a collective escapist experience. On a personal level, Raiders achieves a release of pure and unadulterated joy on every repeated viewing that none of its sequels could ever possibly hope to match. Of course, I still love these movies, but I can see their problems. Yes, there are parts of Crystal Skull that are deserving of derision, but not nearly as many that would engender the appalling legacy that it has endured. It can’t be described as a bad movie, because it simply isn’t a bad movie. It’s not even the worst of the series – if you’re looking to pick holes in the franchise, I would start with Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984).

Let’s begin with the elephant in the room. Of all the plot-points repeatedly singled out for ridicule, it is the scene where Indy escapes a nuclear blast by jumping into a lead-lined fridge that has attracted the most sustained derision from critics and fans alike.  The phrase “nuking the fridge” has replaced Henry Winkler’s shark-jumping nadir in the popular lexicon as shorthand for the point where entertainment veers into facepalm territory. Like the Bond movies, the opening sequence and introduction of Indy is one of the original trilogy’s most recognisable motifs, and Crystal Skull’s Warehouse sequence is one of the best of the series. It immediately rewards the audience with what they have come to expect. Indy is placed in a life-threatening situation, but escapes using a combination of charisma, luck, and bull-headed perseverance. John Williams’ untouchable score gets an early outing, as does the bullwhip, and the Russians get their asses handed back to them in style. The entire sequence has the classic Indy look, and the practical stunt work combined with minimal CGI is pitch perfect. Finally, the “doom town” coda puts the Cold War timeframe into context.

Okay… not okay

But then there’s the fridge. Think about it for a second: this sequence is no more ridiculous than any of Indy’s other escapist scenarios. Consider Temple of Doom’s track-hopping mine cart chase, or inflatable dinghy parachute. What about Last Crusade’s illogical invisible rock bridge? If you start dissecting the realism, or dwell on these scenes for longer than they last in screen-time, you’re bound to see how ludicrous these scenarios are. But this approach misses the point – it’s escapism, not a documentary. In his analysis of the Lucas/Spielberg fantasy genre, Robin Wood says that movies like Raiders and Star Wars (1977) “set up a deliberate resistance: they are so insistently not serious, so knowing about their own escapist fantasy/pure entertainment nature, and they consistently invite the audience’s complicity in this. To raise serious objections to them is to run the risk of looking like a fool or, worse, a spoilsport.” Criticising the pay-off is churlish, and also makes you sound like a bit of an idiot.

Nuked fridges notwithstanding, it’s only fair to acknowledge some of the other issues which crop up in the usual hatchet job. Due to issues of budget and convenience, most of the set pieces were obviously shot on a soundstage, despite early assurances from Spielberg that location shooting and minimal CGI would be used, in keeping with the original trilogy’s aesthetic. Janusz Kaminski is undeniably a gifted director of cinematography, but Crystal Skull’s washed-out colour palette makes the absence of OG DP Doug Slocombe’s amber hues and classical look all the more blatant. Considering the years spent in development, the final script by David Koepp (through Frank Darabont, Jeff Nathanson, Stuart Beattie and, allegedly, M. Night Shyamalan) could have undoubtedly benefited from a few more passes and further tightening. As I have already mentioned, one of modern cinema’s most beloved heroines is woefully underused. And God knows what John Hurt was thinking. However, in the overall scheme of things these factors are inconsequential, and have little effect on the overall enjoyability of the movie as a whole. It’s my opinion that there are only two creative choices that have negatively impacted on the legacy of Crystal Skull. One is relatively small and easily overlooked, but the other is a whopper.

One of the two problems with Indy 4

As we were leaving the cinema on the first day of Crystal Skull’s release in 2008, my friend turned to me and said, “What the hell was with the gophers?” The gophers barely registered with me, but the monkeys pushed me over the edge. All early indications pointed to Shia LeBeouf’s character being universally despised. Indy’s sidekicks have previously been either annoying (Short Round), or positively loathsome (Willie Scott). They are an unnecessary distraction for the audience. After all, it’s Indiana Jones we’ve paid to see – why bother with all this other stuff? To make matters worse, there were rumblings that LaBeouf was being groomed to take over from Ford. It was surprising, then, that Mutt Williams turned out to be one of the stronger elements of the movie. I honestly think that LaBeouf did his best with the material that he was given by Lucas. His character said what the audience was thinking, his interactions with the ageing Indy displayed the right degree of cynicism, and mirrored the father/son dynamic of Last Crusade. Unfortunately, any positive goodwill for the character is wiped out in the final act. I’m referring specifically to the scene where Williams vine-swings from tree-to-tree with some pomaded monkey buddies. To any sane individual, this scene provokes a degree of WTF-ism to which the only plausible response is to slap your own face in frustration. Obviously, this homage to the Tarzan movies of the 1930s started as a joke between the two beards, and it should have stayed that way. That this scene survived the final cut is simply staggering and unforgivable. LaBeouf later acknowledged that the movie was less than the fans had hoped for, and accepted some responsibility for the disappointment, displaying a level of candour that all-but-destroyed his working relationship with Spielberg. But he doesn’t deserve the flak; the two beards do. Either way, if you can blank out this scene, you’re halfway to giving the movie a fighting chance.

…or “inter-dimensional beings” if you prefer

It’s no secret that a major factor in the 19-year delay between the third and fourth movies was Ford and Spielberg’s refusal to commit to the story that Lucas wanted to use. See, Uncle George had a hard-on for UFOs, and thought that little green men and Indiana Jones was a natural fit. Lucas eventually wore Spielberg down, and the Saucer Men from Mars became the “inter-dimensional beings” that show up to ruin the end of the movie. Judeo-Christian artefacts, such as the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail, fit the Indy aesthetic in a way that the Mitchell-Hedges Crystal Skull simply doesn’t, but ultimately, nobody cares. It’s the journey that’s important, not the prize. The MacGuffin is merely the excuse for the quest – it’s there to motivate characters and place them in situations of peril from which to escape, but it’s of no importance to the audience. So my grievance here is not with Lucas’ determination to use aliens or crystal skulls; it’s with their representation. Instead of trying to maintain any acceptable sense of ambiguity or mystery (as in Close Encounters of the Third Kind [1977] for example), the knickers are whipped off and nothing is left to the imagination. If it was handled properly, the ending could have worked. Instead, we’re shown everything; prolonged shots of aliens – actual bloody aliens – and badly CGI’d ones at that. It looks like an old dude trying to figure out how to tweet, and just to make sure that any semblance of credibility is obliterated, Spielberg sticks in a UFO for good measure. Unfortunately, this alien scene is the overriding factor in leaving the viewer with an appalling opinion of the film as a whole.

Spielberg and Lucas have made more kids happy than Elmo giving out ice cream and free legos on a rollercoaster. They may have missed the mark on this occasion, but they still came pretty damn close. Despite making a shedload of cash, the critical drubbing and universal hatred for the movie has ensured that we’ll never see a fifth one. Neither the creatives nor the public have any appetite for it now.  But for all its problems, Crystal Skull stands up to repeated viewings in a way that Temple of Doom doesn’t (and if you’re one of those oddballs who lay into the movie at every opportunity, yet will happily sit through Temple of Doom every Christmas, bank holiday or whatever, you seriously need to re-evaluate your taste barometer). If your only exposure to the movie has been as the butt of a joke, I would urge you to watch it first. Crystal Skull is as worthy a successor to Raiders as any of the franchise’s other sequels. If you hated it, it’s not because the movie’s bad. It’s simply because your balding, saggy 40-year-old ass couldn’t block out a sufficient amount of adult disappointment and go back to the sheer, unadulterated joy you felt when Indy dragged himself under that truck, crawled back up on the bonnet and beat the ever-loving crap out of that Nazi while John William’s majestic score swelled in the background. If you can ignore the dodgy aliens and Elvis monkeys, that unadulterated joy is still there in Crystal Skull. Watch it again with an open mind, and I guarantee that you are in for two hours of utter pleasure.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

United States, 2008
Release Date: 5/22/08
Running Length: 2:06

Cast: Harrison Ford, Shia LeBeouf, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Ray Winstone, John Hurt, Jim Broadbent
Director: Steven Spielberg
Screenplay: David Koepp
Cinematography: Janusz Kaminski
Music: John Williams
U.S. Distributor: Paramount Pictures